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Body Issues May 22, 2009

Posted by Lauren Cooke in Depression, Life, Chatter & Politics.
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Today (and for the past few days) I have been having to deal with a massive wave of body self loathing. I’m not my biggest fan at the best of times, so periods like this are especially hard to deal with. It is particularly difficult when I am having to pack skimpy summer outfits and think about bikinis.

My own illogicality is starting to wind Ben up. He spends so much of his time trying to reassure me, as I cry and berate and beat myself up about the imaginary lumps bumps and horrible self I see before me. I wonder if he is close to giving up on me, as silly and self-destructive and miserable as I am. Since we first started going out I have been systematically trying to find reasons we shouldn’t be together, reasons why he shouldn’t like me, ways to push him away and banish him to the realms of good memories – things that didn’t last. Luckily for me he is a stunningly (annoyingly) resilient fellow, battered down by little and stubborn enough to beat even me. Now, however, my inability to see the good things – the holiday, the sun, the fact we are happy and both have good lives – seems to be digging away at him.

I would love to stop, and become the loving and enthusiastic girl that resides underneath this self-hating exterior. Unfortunately, currently, this girl is trapped. I don’t have the foggiest idea how to draw her out, and sense a metaphorical carrot (preferable dipped in chocolate) is needed. I need a healthy dose of unpoisoned reality, a harsh look in the mirror at what I have become.

The facts? I’m reasonable looking (more so once I finally get my hair cut, it’s currently at a kink outwards stage… I can see it marching along. Kink Out! Kink Out! DO NOT LET THE BRUSH DEFEAT YOU!), have a reasonable-to-good body, have friends (although I am very lonely at the moment), have a boyfriend who loves me and a work where I am interested most of the time. I just can’t see it!

Sorry everyone, a miserable post today. But I needed to vent, to put my feelings down on paper and have a whine about it. I just hope that over the weekend I manage to do something about the self-hate that is damaging me, before it gets beyond repair.

*sigh*

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Comments»

1. Sophie - May 24, 2009

I can totally relate to you. I, just like you do sometimes “systematically” push away my bf, and sometimes everyone around me. The life I’m leading isn’t what I expected or dreamed of, and I may not have an extensive list of friends or a job I got my degree in, but lately I’ve been trying very hard to find my true self and make the best of each day. I wish you loads of luck and just relax and enjoy every second of life, every minute is a gorgeous gift, lets not shower it with tears.

xo
Sophie ^-^

2. STS - May 24, 2009

Awwww, I know how you feel. I feel like that a lot of the time but you’re really, reeeally lucky you have someone who loves you for who you are! I don’t have that! Plus, all the bad things you think about yourself are probably so minimal/not even there! I always think like ‘OMG, I HAVE THE WORST SPOT EVERRRR’ or ‘I’m so fat today’ and think everyone’s going to notice when in reality they don’t notice AT ALL.

I sometimes have seriously low self esteem issues but when I feel like it, it makes me want to go to the gym, eat a bit better, sort my self out, etc. It has it’s good points!

Hope you feel better soon!
<3

3. prettyneons - May 25, 2009

Hello,
I wish you te best of luck love, I really do.
Your get through this, you will be able to look back.
Anywhos hope you feel yourself sooney x
PeAce & BoWs…
prettyneons x

4. ElementalGrace - May 25, 2009

Kinky hair is always in. Didn’t you know? Mine is in a constant state of defiance and after nearly 30 years, I still haven’t found a way to tame it. Let me know if you meet with success.

As to the other, well, I don’t think these things ever fully make sense but after a while you just come to terms with these things and they stop mattering. So, sending you lots of positive thoughts and confidence and the next time the little voices try to put you down, tell them to get lost and go and irritate someone who cares!

xxxx

5. mysterycreature1 - May 25, 2009

Sophie – lovely words, thank you. I think a lot of us girls in particular (I don’t know if it’s the hormones or somat?) push people away – it’s a defence mechanism. It’s fina as long as we learn to ignore it!

STS – you are right, those sort of moments can have good effects. And I have started going to the gym, so maybe it’s working! I just have to remember that I am my own harshest critic!

Sarah – kinky hair is in?! Thank god! That’s what I needed to know months ago, hehe. Heres hoping I can overpower the little voices next time, eh?!

6. Diana - May 25, 2009

Believe me, just about every female (and probably many males) in the world have days where they feel like this. You are not alone.

7. In Another’s Nest: Link Love | The Demoiselles - January 15, 2010

[…] at A Typical Atypical pulled herself out of a body-image slump, go check out her post to see what her plan […]


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