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Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst July 21, 2010

Posted by Lauren Cooke in Depression, Life, Chatter & Politics, Uncategorized.
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I have a flawed personality. It is damaged goods on so many levels. I find things sad that others find happy. I can feel lonely when surrounded by thousands of people. I trust people too much. I harbor the permanently unfulfilled believe that in the end, no matter how much shit it throws at you, life will give you something nice in the end.

One of my main characteristics has always been that I don’t love easily. I have a select group of friends whom I adore, but I don’t let them know me very easily at all. I have historically avoided relationships like the plague,being convinced that as such a boring and idiotic person it is only opening myself up to hurt to give myself to someone completely and utterly.

Another characteristic is a complete lack of self-esteem. I like the person I am, and would never want to change my basic self, but I don’t believe I deserve good things. I don’t feel that anything nice is meant to happen to me, and if it does I spend most of my time waiting for it to end. I look in the mirror and nine times out of ten I am disappointed with what I find staring back at myself. I wish I was more entertaining, more reliable, more intelligent. I wish I was prettier, more confident.

I am, as you may have gathered, not very happy at the moment. I am so very alone, and so bitterly sad. Life, for a few weeks, has been starting to look up. All the problems of the past few months – Ben and I breaking up, my new flat falling through, being homeless, not being able to find a flat, or a flatmate, were starting to resolve themselves. I have a new house now, and a new housemate. I was at the beginning of a new relationship which foolishly I let myself get my hopes up about. Just when things were looking cheery, everything turned upside-down again and I have been floored somewhat. I hurt inside, and I can’t stop crying. I am, in short, pathetic and ridiculous and utterly utterly letting myself down in every way shape and form that I can.

I will, no doubt, be fine. I have been down in the dumps before, and I like to think that actually it is good that I can now feel emotions, both ups and downs, like a normal non-depressed person. Even so, however, it hurts ridiculously, and when all I need is a hug there isn’t anyone around to give it. In fact, the person I would pribably appreciate a hug from most is no doubt removed from my life for the forseeable future.

Good god, life is shit. I hate it.

As the proverb goes, it is not a matter of absence making the heart grow fonder, but more that you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.

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Comments»

1. Amber - July 21, 2010

From what you’ve said, it sounds like you and I have very similar persoanities, so I can only emphathise with how you’re feeling right now, and tell you that it WILL get better. So sorry to hear you’re going through this right now, though :(

2. Alysa - July 21, 2010

Oh beautiful girl, I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. If any substitute hugs might help please let me know xxx

3. Esz - July 22, 2010

Hey!! Aww *hugs* I think I know how you feel – I don’t make friends easily – nor lovers….it takes a looong time to let the walls drop. I dont think that’s a bad trait to have.
The confidence will come with time – I’m only just learning now that yes, I DO deserve the best. And so do you.
You’re in a hard place right now and its okay to feel the way you do – its completely understandable. The only thing you need to know now is that time heals all wounds, and you will feel better eventually. With that in mind, you can take the time to feel sad – It took me 10 months to get over my first love and you’ve got a lot more going on I’m sure.
Hope that helps you some :-D

4. wonderlandboutique - July 22, 2010

Dearest Lauren – echoing what Amber’s already said, you really couldn’ve just written my own bio there. I constantly manage to feel alone when I’m surrounded by people, and can always be relied upon to find things that are supposed to make me happy doing exactly the opposite. I often compare myself and my choices to those of my peers and usually find that I come out the worse. It’s exhausting.

You say you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink – how about instead – that it is only in suffering that we recognise beauty. So grab those moments that do make you smile and breathe. The rest will follow in time.

*hugs* from the blogosphere :)
Amy x.

5. Roisin - July 22, 2010

When I was at school a friend told me this piece of buddhist thought:

A lotus is a flower that grows in the mud
The thicker and deepr the mud, the more beautiful the lotus blooms

I’m thinking of you

x

6. Selina - July 25, 2010

Oh honey :( If I was there I would give you a great big hug, but since I’m not I’m sending lots of them all the way from NZ. Actually now that you’ve met me and know how short I am you can have a giggle at the thought of how funny I look standing on tippy toes to hug you! It was so very very lovely to meet you by the way – albeit for a far too brief time. I wish we could have had longer.

Lotsa love x


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