I wish things were different… November 3, 2011Posted by Lauren Cooke in Uncategorized.
Here I am, only a little while from returning home. I need to find somewhere to live, I need to rediscover my social life, I need to figure out if I can remember how to do my job. I am also coming back single, and full of regret.
You see, I was always scared about going away when in a relationship. It was fresh and new, in the grander scheme of things, but it was the first relationship where I have felt love like it. I was so in love. But even knowing this, I was scared. I don’t trust myself much, I know the flawed set up and weaknesses of my stupid stupid brain more than anyone ever else will, and I knew that this trip would affect me in ways that the person left home wouldn’t be involved in.
I was right. I changed. When the time came to see that lovely boy again, things had happened that changed it all. After all that time, my brain had forgotten. I no longer knew with that previous solidity what I felt. I wasn’t the same person, and I couldn’t figure myself out, let alone me in relation to anyone else. So, despite the fact I may be throwing away the best thing that’s ever happened to me, I ended it. It hurt me, so I dread to think how it hurt the innocent party. It was selfish, and maybe it says the most about me that selfishness was the only path I saw forward.
So, life is starting over in a few weeks. I’m still feeling the jaws of New Zealand threatening to devour me, and I’m terrified of home. I don’t know if I’ll even have one.
I’ve had an amazing time, but I still wish it wasn’t happening like this.