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The evening shadows May 9, 2008

Posted by Lauren Cooke in Uncategorized.
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This is why I have a problem with evenings.

The night-time comes, and I’m usually chirpy to start with. But something (in this case grades and tests, grr) triggers it, and suddenly I’m not happy any more. Its like this heavy cloud of nothingness descends, and I can feel myself trapped beneath it, struggling to get out. I become unresponsive, finding it hard to muster up emotion of any description, let alone respond appropriately to the world around me. I can’t make a single decision, as I remain completely and utterly convinced that any decision I make will result in me being ridiculed, proved wrong or just generally coming across as stupid. When I’m down I feel insignificant, the butt of all jokes. At some point I cry, the type of crying that involves tears slipping out of my eyes and plopping lazily onto the floor, without any passion. And following that, I cry about the fact that I’m crying, and because I don’t know why I am crying, and because I feel stupid. This crying is more of a release, I shake lots and can’t breathe, and for some reason only feel safe if I cover my eyes. I screw my eyes up tight against my palms and can feel myself all tightened in, a tucked up ball of safety in a sea of total uncertainty. For a while after this I feel very fragile. My eyes well up at any supposed slight, and if something reminds me of the trigger event, or something else negative, then I can be sent spiralling down into that black black pit again.

And then, just like that, I’m fine again. I usually end up crumpled in a pile on the floor, in hysterical laughter about something that wasn’t even funny, creasing up and cackling like the Snow Queen on acid. I wiggle around, poke Ben and tease him, and then eventually settle down into something resembling my normal, silly self.

Because don’t get me wrong. Don’t read this and think “What a miserable bugger”. I’m a girl with a good sense of humour, an appreciation of the world in all it’s glory, and a barrel-full of empathy. I’m naturally silly, a joker with a self-deprecating nature and an unnatural liking for puns. Just sometimes it seems like my emotion slips, and I’m plunged literally into a bottomless pit from which I temporarily assume I will never escape. Which always makes me ask whether it’s better to sob and sob and sob, feeling emotion rubbed raw inside of you, or is it better to have that terrifying blankness, that vast void where you heart used to be? Sometimes I feel both, and I don’t like either.

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Comments»

1. nectarfizz - May 12, 2008

I call these my blue funks! I now accept them and schedule days whereby crying is encouraged. This helps release stress. When the blue funks decend I think to myself: “ok, here they are again..lets just let them come and accept them in”..then I cry and do it with a soft of luxurious acceptance. I have found doing it this way makes my recovery time much faster!

2. mysterycreature1 - May 13, 2008

Good advice nectarfizz! My only problem is I can never predict when it’s going to be! But yeah the only way to deal with it is to let yourself cry, as you’re going to end up doing it anyway!

3. gildedfolly - May 15, 2008

I wish I could schedule these, but they always catch me unawares. And they’re regular, even more so over the last 5 months (for reasons you understand). When they descend I feel broken, a failure, and beyond repair.

But I have always cried at EVERYTHING – emotions make me cry. I cry when I’m happy, I cry when I’m sad; I cry when something is beautiful, I cry when something is horrific; I cry when I’m frustrated and I cry when I feel that I’m lucky. And whenever I’m crying for a good reason I tell myself how lucky I am to feel things so very deeply, to see the world in such a way that I can connect so utterly emotionally. How dull it must be to be a person who doesn’t feel these things, good or bad, to such a depth of their soul. How lucky am I to experience everything in such a technicolour of emotions?

I try to remember this when I’m crying because I’m lost, a failure, a mess. It seldom works, but on occasion it helps

4. gildedfolly - May 15, 2008

P.S. Sorry – didn’t mean to write you an essay! xx

5. mysterycreature1 - May 15, 2008

Thank you Cie 🙂

It’s kind of oddly reassuring to know others feel like I do (though obviously I wouldn’t wish it on anyone!).

But knowing I’m not the only one being hyper-emotional, and feeling like the world can be just too much for them to see, is comforting. And yes, it’s amazing when you feel things that are good – I’m always amazed at how beautiful I can perceive the world as – how sometimes everything can seem right and I feel totally happy right down inside. But when the opposing side comes, which it does more and more often, I’m not so good at dealing with it – as you probably know, it’s hard to be logical when the very act of being so down feels totally illogical to begin with. But I shall try.

There you are… an essay right back 😛

xx


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