Wishing May 26, 2008Posted by Lauren Cooke in Uncategorized.
Tags: Alone, Depression, Loneliness, Love, politics, Self-esteem, Wishing
Sometimes I feel so sad. I find myself getting tearier and tearier, plagued by feelings of being alone and being an idiot. I crave comfort, someone hugging me, Ben hugging me. I wish that I wasn’t having to stick through these last 5 weeks of uni, because whilst I desperately want to be here, celebrating the end of an era and having fun with my friends, a bit of me still feels totally alone, and that only ever gets completely better when I’m with Ben.
This time I got sad about being boring. It feels like my life, although full of plans and only really just beginning, has nothing in that would keep anyones attention. It is simply just boring routines, dull intentions and mediocre jokes. I love chatting to Ben on the phone, but I’ve started feeling bad if I talk to much – he’s always interesting compared to whatever dullness I’m about to spurt. What’s more I know it’s ridiculous – to be honest I’m happy just having him on the end of the phone even if I am jibbering ten to the dozen. So this is something I have to work on – I need to start believing in myself.
From an objective perspective I can see there is much going for me. I’m slim, I’m ok looking, I don’t smell (I actually don’t!). I am intelligent, I have the lucky nature of usually (lets not count the chickens too early eh?!) being ok at coursework and exams. I understand politics, I have my own views, and I have never felt the need to change myself for anyone, because even this depressed lump that I can be doesn’t want to know people who wish she was something different. I have a sense of humour, I have an over-fondness for abysmal puns, and I am willing not only to take the piss out of others, but also myself. I give reasonable advice, and am willing to listen to others and not judge. Even if I have an opinion, it’s simply not my place. I believe I’m polite, I have a sense of right and wrong, and am aware of the million shades of gray in between. I am very capable of love, both physical and emotional, and have found someone who loves me back.
So why can I technically see all this, but completely not feel it? Will I get there? I’m working on it, I think I’m getting better (Ben? Am I?), but it is still, obviously, an uphill struggle.