Perhaps the start of something new June 2, 2008Posted by Lauren Cooke in Uncategorized.
Tags: antidepressants, break ups, Depression, Love
An emotional post for me. I’m writing it because I know I ought to. Because I’m at the bottom of a pit and thinking hard about climbing out. Because putting feelings into words on paper is the only way I can understand them, the only way I can start to move on from them.
I defined my depression to Ben last night. He’s never really understood, and I have never thought he should – I think it’s the sort of thing only completely understood by those that feel it. It’s the great illogicality that confuses the issue, the fact that “thinking happy” simply won’t work. Most importantly, perhaps, it’s the fact that you don’t want to feel like this.
For me, nothing has made me feel like this. I have come to the conclusion after a lot of soul searching that some mechanism deep inside me, some cog, some chemical, some wiring, doesn’t work. It leaves me divided. The first part of me is normal. It’s the part of me that can see the world as beautiful, that can look forward to the future and that is, in reality, happy. But underneath this, and unfortunately sometimes more powerful, is the second bit of me. This is a dull, sad core. A vein of pure pessimism, sucking the life out of those buds of happiness, leaving me numbed and sad and wishing I was dead.
And don’t worry, I am not going to kill myself. There is enough of that lovely bit of me that I enjoy being to pull me back from the brink again and again. Enough to make me keep fighting when the stupidest things send me spiralling downwards, enough to make me want to live.
I think he understands me more now. He knows that I’m not an angry, self-hating individual, who has an inability to feel good feelings and who is easily broken by the world around her. Instead he knows that I am at heart a happy person, who just happens to have her hopes and dreams tainted by that negativity she has no control over. That I am fighting hard every day against a force I have no control over.
I am going to ask for anti depressants when I got to my next appointment. I’ve fought against them, but perhaps when it’s so clearly biological the best thing to do it treat the symptom… when it seems there is no underlying psychological cause.
I tried to break up with him last night. The one person I have ever met with whom I want to have kids, spend my life, love until the day that I die. Because I can’t keep making him unhappy. Which he is whenever I am. Being with a depressed person is like being depressed yourself. That is not fair. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, let alone the one I love. If I don’t get better soon I will simply start hating myself more and more for doing this, for doing the opposite to that which being in love is meant to be.