Who am I? March 16, 2009Posted by Lauren Cooke in Crafting, Depression.
Tags: Depression, freelance, knitting, Life, resolutions, Writing
It’s been a while since I have sat down to write a post like this. That is, a post that is a bit of a mope, and a bit of a moan. I will of course be posting later about my birthday night out in leamington, but right now I feel like a good old gripe.
I think I am having a moment of realising my own insignificance. I keep looking at myself in the mirror (both physically AND metaphorically) and being disappointed with the averageness staring back at me. Now don’t get me wrong – it is not that I wish I was a genius, or a magical sparkly star. Nope, I just wish I had something going for me. A talent, or a dream. Thighs that don’t keep getting bigger, or a face that makes people feel happier just for seeing it.
I just feel that my life is plodding on, one steady, unexciting step at a time. I get up, I go to work, I blog post and I inevitably buy something lovely on eBay. I talk about freelance writing, but seem to have hit a wall with regards to finding any. I dream of setting up my own business. I want to learn to knit, to sew, to make pretty things with my much bitten fingers.
The real story is pretty sad. Here I am, a decidedly average towards rough looking individual, who has plenty of pipe dreams but is entirely lacking in any sort of plumbing system. I just want life to be more exciting than it is, but knowing how to drag my sorry ass of the floor and into action seems to be passing me by.
I am terrified that if this keeps up, I will wake up next week and realise I am fifty, and have been doing the same thing for every boring day of my adult life. I (unless Buddhists have got it spot on, which is quite possible) am only going to live once – it cannot be just this.
So, I hear you say, why don’t you do something about it?! Well, whist moping is made all the better by complete inaction, I can somewhat see your point. If I am so dissatisfied with life, then I should change it. I should look harder and longer for freelance work. I should learn how to knit, so I can make spats (google them, they are cool) and legwarmers until they are coming out of my ears. I could even set up a shop – etsy, here I come! I should develop skills – I want to do web and graphic design, so I should put myself on a course. Gibbering about learning “by myself” is now obsolete – I need to accept my flaws, and bother to fix them with a method that will force me to work. I need to go to the gym more regularly, so that I become someone people want to look like (even if they would just have the body, not the face).
Most importantly, I need to know that it is worth me being here at all. I need to be able to look at my life and say “Yeah. That is why I am here”. I need to have actually done something, not just perfected doing nothing.
Let’s hope that this post will actually change something.