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Who am I? March 16, 2009

Posted by Lauren Cooke in Crafting, Depression.
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It’s been a while since I have sat down to write a post like this. That is, a post that is a bit of a mope, and a bit of a moan. I will of course be posting later about my birthday night out in leamington, but right now I feel like a good old gripe.

I think I am having a moment of realising my own insignificance. I keep looking at myself in the mirror (both physically AND metaphorically) and being disappointed with the averageness staring back at me. Now don’t get me wrong – it is not that I wish I was a genius, or a magical sparkly star. Nope, I just wish I had something going for me. A talent, or a dream. Thighs that don’t keep getting bigger, or a face that makes people feel happier just for seeing it.

I just feel that my life is plodding on, one steady, unexciting step at a time. I get up, I go to work, I blog post and I inevitably buy something lovely on eBay. I talk about freelance writing, but seem to have hit a wall with regards to finding any. I dream of setting up my own business. I want to learn to knit, to sew, to make pretty things with my much bitten fingers.

The real story is pretty sad. Here I am, a decidedly average towards rough looking individual, who has plenty of pipe dreams but is entirely lacking in any sort of plumbing system. I just want life to be more exciting than it is, but knowing how to drag my sorry ass of the floor and into action seems to be passing me by.

I am terrified that if this keeps up, I will wake up next week and realise I am fifty, and have been doing the same thing for every boring day of my adult life. I (unless Buddhists have got it spot on, which is quite possible) am only going to live once – it cannot be just this.

So, I hear you say, why don’t you do something about it?! Well, whist moping is made all the better by complete inaction, I can somewhat see your point. If I am so dissatisfied with life, then I should change it. I should look harder and longer for freelance work. I should learn how to knit, so I can make spats (google them, they are cool) and legwarmers until they are coming out of my ears. I could even set up a shop – etsy, here I come! I should develop skills – I want to do web and graphic design, so I should put myself on a course. Gibbering about learning “by myself” is now obsolete – I need to accept my flaws, and bother to fix them with a method that will force me to work. I need to go to the gym more regularly, so that I become someone people want to look like (even if they would just have the body, not the face).

Most importantly, I need to know that it is worth me being here at all. I need to be able to look at my life and say “Yeah. That is why I am here”. I need to have actually done something, not just perfected doing nothing.

Let’s hope that this post will actually change something.

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Comments»

1. Nommi - March 16, 2009

Hello
I think you definatly have a purpose and I would never describe you as someone who is going to melt into obscurity! The fact alone that you worry about it means it won’t happen people who end up doing nothing with there lives (though i’m not sure there is such a person as its all subjective and I think we all contribute in some way whether we know it or not but thats a whole different philisophical debate!) don’t notice it happening and wake up when their fifty and think ‘what have i done with ny life’ thats what a mid-life crisis is for.

Saying that I can understand how you can feel this way. I think evening classes would be a really good way to help. I was feeling down about everything I was doing with my life at the beginning of this year as I felt I was doing really badly in my course etc. so I decided to do an evening couse in photography. I really recommend it as it’s only for a couple of hours a week but its something really different and even though I can’t learn everything in one go it inspires you and gets you started and gets you think about other things esp. if you’ve had a bad day at work!! I think its worth looking into cos you never know what it’ll lead into! I can teach you to knit if you want!? I’m still learning myself but I can show you the basics.

As for your physical appearance I think your gourgeous and I am often jealous of your body and I always feel happier when I see your face especially if its giggling cos we’ve had a few too many drinks and end up singing all the way home :o)

Anyway thats my rambling thoughts on your post I hope you had a really good weekend! Much Love x x x

2. gildedfolly - March 16, 2009

Without being soppy – your face makes me smile! On the days we meet I always have a better day for having you in it! In fact, I have more of a giggle with you than with almost anyone else I can think of – largely because you’re as surreally-minded as I am…

xx

3. Andrea - March 16, 2009

Don’t be so hard on yourself – it sounds like you are your own harshest critic. It’s good to have these sorts of realisations, and painful moments always herald some sort of change, but it’s sad to hear you so down on yourself. 😦

4. mysterycreature1 - March 16, 2009

Thank you everyone! This is exatly what I needed – people to show me how silly I am being, and also show me that thinking like this can be the biggest push to make a change. Which I shall do!

Sending you all hugs of thanks 🙂


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