Body Issues May 22, 2009Posted by Lauren Cooke in Depression, Life, Chatter & Politics.
Tags: confidence, Depression, Life, relationships, self belief, Self-esteem, unhappiness
Today (and for the past few days) I have been having to deal with a massive wave of body self loathing. I’m not my biggest fan at the best of times, so periods like this are especially hard to deal with. It is particularly difficult when I am having to pack skimpy summer outfits and think about bikinis.
My own illogicality is starting to wind Ben up. He spends so much of his time trying to reassure me, as I cry and berate and beat myself up about the imaginary lumps bumps and horrible self I see before me. I wonder if he is close to giving up on me, as silly and self-destructive and miserable as I am. Since we first started going out I have been systematically trying to find reasons we shouldn’t be together, reasons why he shouldn’t like me, ways to push him away and banish him to the realms of good memories – things that didn’t last. Luckily for me he is a stunningly (annoyingly) resilient fellow, battered down by little and stubborn enough to beat even me. Now, however, my inability to see the good things – the holiday, the sun, the fact we are happy and both have good lives – seems to be digging away at him.
I would love to stop, and become the loving and enthusiastic girl that resides underneath this self-hating exterior. Unfortunately, currently, this girl is trapped. I don’t have the foggiest idea how to draw her out, and sense a metaphorical carrot (preferable dipped in chocolate) is needed. I need a healthy dose of unpoisoned reality, a harsh look in the mirror at what I have become.
The facts? I’m reasonable looking (more so once I finally get my hair cut, it’s currently at a kink outwards stage… I can see it marching along. Kink Out! Kink Out! DO NOT LET THE BRUSH DEFEAT YOU!), have a reasonable-to-good body, have friends (although I am very lonely at the moment), have a boyfriend who loves me and a work where I am interested most of the time. I just can’t see it!
Sorry everyone, a miserable post today. But I needed to vent, to put my feelings down on paper and have a whine about it. I just hope that over the weekend I manage to do something about the self-hate that is damaging me, before it gets beyond repair.