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Oh Dear, It’s Happened Again January 6, 2010

Posted by Lauren Cooke in Depression.
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Oh dear, it has happened again. No, I haven’t made some major social faux pas or lost something inconceivably valuable. Nothing nowhere near as exciting as that. Instead, I have gone and got sad. Again. I have fought it since about September, and it does go away and then pop its irritating head out of the ground again, but it has got to a point where it is undeniable.

I spend my days sat around, feeling totally alone. I don’t clean, I don’t tidy, I don’t cook. I dream up all my multiple and exciting ambitions, and then I sit around, and watch TV and eat, and never act on any of them. I gradually get more and more unhealthy, suffer painful headaches, sob a lot into my pillow. I don’t exercise, despite knowing that it helps, because I can’t force myself out of the sofa. Also, always a sign my mood has taken a tumble, I am dreaming about boxes, organising things, clearing the space around me so the clutter can’t keep dragging me down. Needless to say, I don’t do anything about this, and I don’t have any money to buy storage with.

I start projects, and there they lie, unloved, uncreative, dull and dusty.

I am going to go to the doctor, and try to sort this. I am not sure I can sum up how sad this makes me feel on its own, like once again my brain and my chemicals have let me down completely and utterly. I just hope that he will have something that works a little better than last time, that doses me up and gives me the energy and motivation to do something with my life.

How sad. Underneath I can be dazzling, but how deep have I buried it?

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Comments»

1. Diana - January 6, 2010

I am so sorry that you are feeling so down. I’ve had many times like this in my life before. Even though it might feel like you’re giving up on your own abilities, sometimes talking to a doctor about it is really the best thing that you can do. They know how to help people though times in their lives like this. Do you have someone who lives near you that could help push you out of this? Maybe a friend who could drag you to the gym, or someone who could make a “cleaning organizing the house” date with you? Sometimes, having someone help give that extra push is exactly what you need.

I hope things start looking brighter for you soon.

Lauren Cooke - January 6, 2010

You are a dear, thank you so much for the wonderful comment, and for some very good and wise words. Interestingly I had just read your comment when I was messaged on twitter by a local girl offering her services as an exercise motivator. Wonderful wonderful people, all of you!

By the way, I never sent my Christmas cards (eek, blame it on the lack of motivation…) but will send out a spring car instead!

xxx

2. Amber - January 6, 2010

So sorry you’re feeling like this, but glad to hear you’re going to visit the doc’s: hopefully that’ll be the first step to getting you back on your feet again. I know I always feel like having a huge clean-up too when I’m feeling bad, but finding the energy to do it can be another matter! Maybe rope in some friends to help you with it?

Writing it all down might help too, so remember we’re always here to listen!

Lauren Cooke - January 6, 2010

Thanks amber. I think writing will really help, it generally does and my painfully honest nature means i cant avoid blurting it all out to a captive audience. Plus, you lot are always so supportive!

XxX

3. Selina - January 7, 2010

As someone who has suffered from a Major Depressive Disorder since my teen years, but only got diagnosed seven years ago when my marriage ended I empathise, so much of what you so eloquently describe is familiar to me. I am on anti-depressants, and probably will be for the rest of my life, and it’s about five years now since my last serious depressive episode, although I still have milder episodes occasionally. I am sending you hugs down the internet – do go to your doctor, there comes a point where outside help is needed. Also, make sure people around you that you trust are aware of what’s going on – that way they can make sure you get help and also keep an eye on you for any warning signs that it’s becoming more than you can deal with. I reached a stage where I was skeletal because I was too depressed to eat and friends forced me to the doctor worried that I was on the verge of collapse.

There is light at the end of that deep, dark tunnel. Feel free to email me if you want to compare notes with a fellow sufferer.

Much love xox

Lauren Cooke - January 7, 2010

Hi Selina

Thanks for your comment, it was reassuring and supportive, and for that I can’t sum up how grateful I am! I may well email you, thank you.

Well done for getting help and having friends (which I am aware I have too, thankfully) who will do the pusghing if you can’t. It is hard, and harder to udnerstand if you are outside it, so they sound brilliant!

Lauren xxx

4. Ralph - January 7, 2010

I’m sorry you’re sad.

You’re the third person to describe these exact symptoms to me this week. Perhaps your recurrence has something to do with the holidays ending. Or not. Either way, best wishes for better health and a return of joy to your life.

Lauren Cooke - January 7, 2010

Thank you ralph. It has probably come to a head, you are right, due to this week, which I always remember from uni as the very worst week of the year!

5. Alysa - January 7, 2010

You’re so brave writing as honestly as this, and I bet you’re helping lots of people in the same situation. I hope the doctors are able to help for now – and if you need an exercise buddy let me know! (I’m a c**p runner, but I belong to a gym a few streets away from you and they do guest passes!) Hope to see you soon xx

6. Lilji - January 10, 2010

I’ve been following your blog in my google reader and I love it. Especially the 1950’s posts! You bring sunshine into my life just knowing you are out there!! I have decided to come out of the shadows because this post really hits home with me. I am exactly the same as what you described. I have been in this state for 3 years now so please know you are not alone in this and I think it’s something quite normal for this day and age (and maybe always was). I have made my new years resolution to try to break this downward spiral by tackling just one creative, work and exercise project each day. I’ve slipped up already but at least we are trying right? Hang in there darling… I’ll be sending positive glitter love happy thoughts your way!! xoxo

Lauren Cooke - January 11, 2010

Hi Lilji. What a nice person to have following my blog! Thank you so much for this comment it is wonderful, and really cheered my up last night!x

7. Stephie - January 21, 2010

Hi Lauren, maybe, I hope, you’re feeling a wee bit better by now? Like others here I’ve also had major depression for years and years and have been on meds permanently for the last 12. When you’re feeling this bad, all you can try and do is to not beat yourself up and take pride in any small thing that you do manage to do – whether that’s eating a slice of toast or putting on a clean pair of knickers!!! Like you I also let it all out on my blog, it’s great that you do – it’s like a hidden illness (that can cause death!) and people need to know about it, so well done and thank you for being so honest. You’re a star. Hang in there. x

8. Lauren Cooke - January 21, 2010

Hi Stephie
Thanks 🙂 I am feeling ok at the moment, went to the doctors and got some anti-depressents so am waiting for them to kick in at the moment. I always feel better for sharing, and knowing that I am not alone out there! So many people have it but it is still frowned upon and misunderstood.
Hug xx


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