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So nearly the end February 25, 2010

Posted by Lauren Cooke in Family, Life, Chatter & Politics.
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Last night my relationship of three years nearly ended. We didn’t argue, we didn’t shout – but the bottom fell out on me and everything I know.

I had been out with the girls, and then I came back and wrote a blog post. We went to bed, but clearly something wasn’t right – and when Ben asked what was wrong I found myself admitting that I wasn’t sure if our relationship worked.

I don’t think me saying it was a huge surprise. Despite loving each other deeply and truly, we had been drifting apart for months, and nowadays it sometimes seems like we are two disconnected people who happen to live in the same house. We are best friends, but that isn’t just what being in a relationship is about. I tended to be quiet and deeply buried in the media each night as an escape, whilst Ben talked to anyone and everyone he could online just to keep himself occupied. It wasn’t good, it wasn’t healthy, and it was bad enough for both of us to wonder if it was a sensible idea to keep battling on – or whether it would be fairer to split and go our separate but affectionate ways for a while.

Having sobbed most of the night, this morning I went back to the flat (I spent the night elsewhere, I didn’t think it was fair on either of us to stay around). We talked, we hugged, we both cried. We love each other so much that the idea of not being together was horrifying, terrifying, impossible to understand. Our lives are so intertwined that I wouldn’t know where to begin to untangle us.

So, because we love each other, we have agreed a few things to try and make it work. Because we owe it to ourselves, if nothing else, to not just give up on this. We owe it to ourselves to give it one last ditch attempt, to really put the effort it – to try and make this work. If it doesn’t work, then so be it – but we will know in our hearts that we did our best and it just wasn’t meant to be. And I honestly believe that whichever way it ends up in the long run, we will remain true friends.

So, here is what we are going to try and do.

  1. Computers are banned on the sofas. We aren’t banned from using them, but we have to be at the table, so it is clear we are writing or browsing – and so if we want to sit on the sofas we have to interact and talk and share.
  2. We have rearranged the room. Gone is the old cramped layout, and now everything is cleaner, friendly, more attuned to both our needs.
  3. I am to listen more – and at the same time be aware that Ben and I don’t have to do everything together. I can give him a break by going shopping with the girls – it doesn’t mean anything bad.
  4. Once a week we will try and have a “date night”. Not an expensive one, but just a night where we do something purely in each others company. Cook a posh meal, or see a film at the cinema. Go for a walk or attend a comedy night. We mustn’t take each other for granted any more.
  5. We are hopefully going to go away. Free from technology, we will spend a night or two just with each other, rediscovering what it is about each other that made us fall in love to start with.

Hopefully we can make it. Because my heart almost broke last night, and I can’t face that again any time soon.

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Comments»

1. Helen - February 25, 2010

Oh chick………
Good for the both of you for realising what you have is special and for working hard to make it work.
x x x x x

2. Beth - February 25, 2010

I’m sorry to hear you’re having a tough time, but the fact that you’re both willing to try and improve things is a good sign. Good luck to you both x

3. Caroline - February 25, 2010

Love you xxx

(And really touching post!)

4. Nat - February 25, 2010

Oh honey, I am so sorry you are having a rough time. If it helps, it sounds scarily similar to the situation steve and I found ourselves in at one point – combined with having housemates. Your guide lines are incredibly sensible – we made similar rules, and as far as I am concerned we are now better than ever. We have been together 4 and a half years, but been inseparable as close friends for more like 9 (oh god that’s scary) and sometimes it is easy to fall into a routine that almost neglects the other. It is good to hear that you are both in agreement on this and both willing to make the effort, and that way there cannot be any regrets on either side, regardless of outcome. I also think something else is very important – making room for yourself. Maybe once or twice week, doing something that is just for you and about you (Ben the same), that way things can’t slip into that dangerous monotony of everyday life. Even with the best f friends, relationships take time, energy and motivation – all things that slip away without realising.

I think a lot of both of you and really hope you guys can work it out. And like you say, if not – so be it, but just be aware there are people here for you, even the most unlikely people, if you ever need a break, a chat or just a glass of wine. Take care hun, lots of love, Nxxx

5. indihues - February 26, 2010

all the best..i hope it continues..

6. Emma C - February 26, 2010

*hug*

I really hope it all works out Lauren, there’s clearly a lot of love there.

7. Alysa - February 26, 2010

You poor honey! All of those things sound really good – we also keep laptop use on the sofa to a minimum because it puts up such a barrier between us. I really hope it works xx

8. Amber - February 26, 2010

Oh Lauren, what a horrible thing to go through, and how difficult this must have been to write. All of your new “rules” make excellent sense to me, and it sounds like you’re both absolutely determined to do your best to work through this, so I’m sure you will. And we’re all rooting for you here in Internet-land 🙂

9. Sue Niven - February 26, 2010

I wish you both all the best.XXXXXXXXX

10. Esz - February 27, 2010

Awww!!! I hope you two make it through this rough patch. It sounds like you have a truly solid foundation so I’m sure you’ll be stronger after this.
I know from my own experience that it’s easy to fall into apathy – that your relationship doesn’t need tending to on a day to day basis, and before you know it you’re not talking anymore. Time together and time apart in a healthy balance is the key I think and can be the hardest to manage. How to still contribute to the partnership without losing your sense of self.

11. Selina - February 28, 2010

*hugs*

12. lilji - March 9, 2010

Ohhhh honey… I’ve been MIA lately and when I read this I almost cried!!! I’m so glad you two have set some rules and are determined to work through this. My fingers are crossed for you. crossed hard. Big hugs honey xoxo


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