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I can’t handle this June 1, 2010

Posted by Lauren Cooke in Depression, Life, Chatter & Politics.
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I don’t know where to begin handling this.

Here I am. I am sat in my living room, surrounded by boxes, some filled, most half empty. There isn’t much life left here – the shelves are bare but for a layer of dust, and the walls seem much larger and bleaker than I remember. Most of the furniture still lurks in its customary place, just slightly askew, as if knocked from the position it has rested on since we moved it in. Still, despite its familiarity the presence of these large objects, the sofa, the table, one largely dismantled set of shelves, they make me even more miserable. I can stare at them and know that they can only promise change.

At the moment I am alone. The place is mine the majority of days a week, giving me ample hours to sort through my clothes, to organise and compartmentalise all the sections of my life. Plenty of time to come to terms with the end of life as I know it, and to start the search in earnest for a new place, a place that I can call my own. I am doing this, honestly I am, but at the same time I feel like the part of me that thinks and feels is simply floating along, ignoring what is happening. Living in a state of limbo that is building an even deeper layer of dust than the floors and the shelves. Though from the outside I look calm, collected and organised, inside I am empty and terrified.

It isn’t just the moving I can’t handle. There are other things too. I can’t handle the fact that I am single now. That, thanks to my own actions, I am not the Lauren that I was just a week or two ago. I can’t handle the guilt of my actions, nor the unshakeable feeling that at the same time as making the right decision, I am making one so incredibly wrong. How can moving in the right direction take you so much further away from being happy?

How, when I am barely handling life, am I supposed to view houses, to revise for my exams?

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Comments»

1. Louise - June 1, 2010

Aw. Sounds like you aren’t in a good place right now. Just remember It’s always darkest before the dawn. Things will get better. *Hugs*

2. Sue - June 1, 2010

Lauren I feel for you both, but I think you know you have made the right choice. It’s natural to feel how you do and you have such a tight time-scale for finding a new home, the added pressure is bound to make you low. It takes a huge amount of courage to finish a relationship when you care about hurting someone and it’s easy to stay put and avoid the feelings you are experiencing now.
You are both young and the future will be rosy – just not for a while.
Take care x

3. marthameg - June 1, 2010

This is an incredibly difficult time for you, I’m so sorry you’re having to go through all of this and I don’t like to think of you doing it alone. Remember, your situation may be changing but you are still Lauren, that is true in spite of anything and everything that happens to you.
It will take time, be gentle with yourself and remember to call if you need to. Any time.
xxx

4. Selina - June 2, 2010

Oh darling – it’s awful isn’t it? How you handle it is you break off teeny tiny bite sized pieces one at a time, you deal with them and you move on to the next teeny tiny bite sized piece. And you just keep on doing that and keeping on. And slowly, piece by tiny piece, it gets just that little bit easier.

Hang in there, thinking of you. x

5. The Waves - June 3, 2010

Just wanted to stop by and wish you all the best in these difficult times. I have found that sometimes it takes a lot of pain to begin something new, and it takes time before it gets easier. What you are feeling is fear of the unknown. Focusing on small beautiful things in everyday life helps.


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