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I wish things were different… November 3, 2011

Posted by Lauren Cooke in Uncategorized.

Here I am, only a little while from returning home. I need to find somewhere to live, I need to rediscover my social life, I need to figure out if I can remember how to do my job. I am also coming back single, and full of regret.

You see, I was always scared about going away when in a relationship. It was fresh and new, in the grander scheme of things, but it was the first relationship where I have felt love like it. I was so in love. But even knowing this, I was scared. I don’t trust myself much, I know the flawed set up and weaknesses of my stupid stupid brain more than anyone ever else will, and I knew that this trip would affect me in ways that the person left home wouldn’t be involved in.

I was right. I changed. When the time came to see that lovely boy again, things had happened that changed it all. After all that time, my brain had forgotten. I no longer knew with that previous solidity what I felt. I wasn’t the same person, and I couldn’t figure myself out, let alone me in relation to anyone else. So, despite the fact I may be throwing away the best thing that’s ever happened to me, I ended it. It hurt me, so I dread to think how it hurt the innocent party. It was selfish, and maybe it says the most about me that selfishness was the only path I saw forward.

So, life is starting over in a few weeks. I’m still feeling the jaws of New Zealand threatening to devour me, and I’m terrified of home. I don’t know if I’ll even have one.

I’ve had an amazing time, but I still wish it wasn’t happening like this.



1. Helen - November 3, 2011

Just remember that when you come home you’re not alone! We have missed you and can’t wait for you to reveal all your adventures. And if when you get home you believe you have changed too much then that’s fine……..you just work at finding what works for the person you are now! I think I’d be more concerned if you had gone on your trip adn not been effected by it. Yes it is sad that you relationship got caught up in this but don’t beat yourself up about it so much. Breaking up can be a selfish act but better to be honest than live a lie.

H xxxx

Lauren Cooke - November 3, 2011

As always, my lovely lovely lady, you are so wise. Looking forward to a catch up 🙂

2. kateohkatie - November 6, 2011

::massive hugs:: I’m sorry I don’t have anything more constructive to say, but I do think that what you’re doing shows remarkable courage. I love Helen’s words above – “better to be honest than live a lie.” So true.

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